LONDON, UK—THE warning signs were there months ago, the emergency services were called but it was too late. When EU authorities arrived on the scene, the gun was still in hand, smoking.
However the tragedy was further compounded this morning, when EU authorities finally uncovered the long-speculated about suicide note of the formerly United Kingdom. “We can’t believe we’re about to do this…” began the note, highlighting the deep inner turmoil experienced by Britain in the lead up to the final decision. “We can’t believe it actually came to this. We’re actually going to do this, flush our future down the drain just to send a message.”
Further highlighting the deep inner turmoil experienced by the UK, the letter continues. “We just wanted to scare people into taking us more seriously,” it reads. “How were we to know the gun was loaded. We immediately regret this course of action.”
Great Britain admitted to being warned fully about the obvious immediate side effects of pulling the trigger, but ultimately thought it was “worth the risk”. It’s last written words are said to be. “No. It’s just typical scaremongering by the left brain. It just can’t listen to reason. Trust the right side for once, absolutely nothing is going to ha—”
Months on from that fateful early morning decision by the United Kingdom, it’s neighbours are still reeling:
“We’re still so shocked. I mean, we knew the UK was having problems but we never realised things were this bad. If only they had said something?” said France. “because actually we’ve been having these dark thoughts about…”
Other nations took a more pragmatic view. “It is very tragic news but hopefully England is at peace now. Now we think it’s time for Scotland to move on now and explore other options,” Germany advised.
Others are still dismissive over the Scotland Yard’s findings into the cause of death. “Since when does firing a loaded gun, at point blank range, result in death?” a bewildered Nigel Farage told Good Mourning Britain.