WASHINGTON, DC—The United States of America have announced that up to 30,000 troops currently stationed at Bowling Green, are to be redeployed to Sweden at the urgent insistence of the President.
Trump and his advisors admit they “agonized” over the decision to move the troops, given the comparable crises in the respective regions, but reached a consensus that Sweden was in greater need.
“The President feels that the situation in Bowling Green has been stabilized somewhat,” Sean Spicer announced, outlining how “no terrorist attacks have occurred” in the small Kentucky town since President Trump took office.
Meanwhile the Trump administration insist the situation in Sweden is bleak. “It may already be too late, but we can’t sit idly by and do nothing like the rest of the world,” Trump told Sean Hannity in bed this morning. “Even the Swedes are so blind to the terror. They’re literally just sitting there looking at me, saying, ‘Oh what terror attack, what’s happening?’ They’re in complete denial.”
Lieutenant James DeMarcus told the BSJ that most of the troops were “looking forward” to their mission in Scandinavia having spent the past month doing “literally nothing” in Bowling Green. “Hopefully the women will be slightly hotter,” he added.
10,000 soldiers will also be redeployed from a special-ops mission in America’s south-east, where they have spent the past two months circling between Orlando and Atlanta.
Many of the military personnel destined for Sweden are hopeful that President Trump’s next imaginary terrorist attack will be “somewhere fun, like Vegas or Amsterdam”.