World’s only openly gay footballer, Robbie Rogers, set to relocate to Boyle, Co. Roscommon

Robbie Rogers, the world’s only openly gay footballer, has announced plans to leave Los Angeles, and move to Boyle, Co. Roscommon. Local side, Boyle Celtic have tied the 28-year-old down to a 3 year deal, shattering their wage structure. Rogers’ new home, Roscommon/South Leitrim, made worldwide headlines in May, when it disgraced a nation by having only 48.6% (17,615) of its voters vote for marriage equality.

Local Boyle sheep said to feel ‘threatened’ by Rogers arrival.
Local Boyle sheep said to feel ‘threatened’ by Rogers arrival.

Speaking in the aftermath of the result, Taoiseach Enda Kenny called on the Irish public to ignore “the natural impulse” to label all Rossies as sheep-shagging homophobic hillbillies: “We need to remember that only half of them are like this.”

Allegations of a rift between Rogers and teammate Robbie Keane, due to Keane’s jealousy at the media attention afforded to Rogers, have been denied by the club. In fact, Rogers said he was recommended to move to the club by the LA Galaxy captain:

“At first I was a little concerned by Roscommon’s tagline, ‘the Alabama of Ireland’, but Keano told me that one of his 37 childhood teams was Boyle Celtic and that the people of Roscommon would welcome me with open arms. He also spoke about the thriving gay scene in Boyle and that the San Francisco of Ireland, Castlerea, is only a short distance by monorail.”

In a desperate effort to prove that Roscommon is a strong supporter of gay rights, Boyle city council are to paint all public property (including roads, sheep and TDs) in rainbow colour in preparation for his arrival. Boyle mayor, Aaron Killalea, speaking to FMFN denied that the proposed plans were overkill:

“Nonsense. Aside from our unnatural obsession with sheep, we’re very progressive and forward thinking people here in Boyle. Really we just want people to see that we’re better than our neighbours in Carrick-on-Shannon. They think they’re great because their cinema has a swimming pool in it and ours burned down. Well those fuckers in South Leitrim are just as homophobic as we are… So when are we starting the interview?”
Boyle and lesser known areas

Up until the recent marriage equality referendum, it was illegal to marry someone of the same sex in Roscommon but legal to marry a sheep. Sheep-Shagging advocate, Damien Martyn, defended the law. “What’s the big deal? We’re only advocating to marry sheep, not any other farm-yard animals. This isn’t Mayo.”

Tourism Boyle said they hoped the publicity would be a welcome boost to the local area. “There’s so many lovely things to see and do in Boyle: Lough Key, The King House, the place where the cinema burned down, Chris O’Dowd’s house, the list is endless. There’s also over 14 abandoned hotels to choose from.”

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Posted by FM Football News on Tuesday, 16 June 2015