“The David Beckham of Irish soccer” Damien Duff, much like the ex-England captain’s new expansion team in Miami, has unveiled sensational plans to start a new League of Ireland side in Co. Leitrim.
Dubbed “the Miami of Ireland”, Dromahair is a small village in North Leitrim with a population of roughly 750 people. Duff denied that the proposed 30,000 seater stadium was overkill. “The people of Leitrim are simple folk. They don’t need things like tarmaced roads, or traffic lights. They need a 30,000 all-seater stadium with undersoil heating, a retractable roof and a state of the art training facility” said the former Chelsea star.
Duff refused to comment on potential names for his new side but confirmed that he will take the role of owner/player/manager. He also revealed the high expectations he has for the club: “I expect us to win the European Cup in 3 years. It’s time for Leitrim to take its seat at the top table of European football once again.”
The shock announcement comes after weeks of speculation that Duff was considering moves to Qatar or to the MLS to join Robbie Keane’s childhood team in LA. However, Duff turned down offers to play at the highest level in exchange for the more financially lucrative offer:
“As with any young lad growing up in Ireland, I always dreamed of playing football in Qatar. However, the financial package offered by the Qatari teams was simply not on the same level as the League of Ireland clubs. Glencar Waterfall is an amazing money spinner for County Leitrim and all the oil in the world can’t match a 20 foot waterfall.”
All of Leitrim’s royalty was out in force to support the move. 1994 Eurovision winner, Charlie McGettigan was overcome with emotion at the news: “This is the greatest thing to happen to Leitrim, since I single handedly won the Eurovision without any help whatsoever. Leitrim is partying like it’s 1994 and we have Damien Duff to thank. He IS the rock ‘n’ roll kid…” he sobbed.
The League of Ireland confirmed that Sligo Rovers will enter a 2 legged playoff with the new Leitrim side, due to their geographical proximity, for a place in the SSE Airtricity League. Ex-Westlife frontman & property tycoon, Shane Filan, spoke out against the move: “Obviously the whole town of Sligo is devastated with the decision, especially to our bitterest rivals in Leitrim. I think it might be time to turn Dromahair into a shanty town again.” Rovers’ wonderkid, Tiernan Harris, offered alternative locations for Duffman’s new club: “The last thing the Airtricity League needs is another team in Connaught. There’s only 3 teams in Dublin and surely Louth needs a third team too…”
After quickly warming to the locals in the Clubhouse bar in Dromahair, a rowdy Duff, spoke passionately to the adoring Leitrimites: “Are you tired of living in the shadow of CAVAN and ROSCOMMON? Are you tired of people in Dublin thinking Leitrim is a town in SLIGO?? It’s time to put Leitrim on the map”:
Finally Duff led the entire town, in a song, promoting calls for a new monorail to be introduced in Dromahair in time for the new season.