UNDER pressure Red Devils’ boss, Louis Van Gaal, has claimed he “deserves” to join Sir’s Alex and Bobby, and be knighted by Queen Elizabeth for his services to football this season.
Amongst his long list of successes during the 2016/17 season, Van Gaal points to having comfortably guided his side to a top 5 finish in the Premier League, only narrowly missing out on the League Cup quarter-finals and embarking on two European runs. To top it, Van Gaal has lead his team to an FA Cup final described by the Dutchman as an “unprecedented achievement” for the 19-times finalists.
“All of this success with players like Darmian, Fellaini and Depay,” Van Gaal explained only served to further enhance his case for a knighthood, having met Old Trafford’s “unrealistic goals” this season.
The former Ajax boss claims the board at Manchester United, the 20-times Premier League champions, “actually expected” him to improve on last season’s 4th place finish. “When I walked into this club in 2014, the team hadn’t won a league title for over a year. I spent as little as £250 million, and somehow I’m supposed to qualify for the Champions League two years later? The Glazers just don’t understand football.”
Explaining the club’s unsuccessful Capital One Cup run, Sir Louis told reporters “he more than met” the owner’s “demanding expectations” in this competition. He argues Woodward’s hopes of United avoiding being knocked out by another League One side (following the previous year’s 4-0 loss to the MK Dons), were met. “And I delivered,” he boasted. “Instead, we barely got knocked out by Middlesborough, a very good Championship team. Tell me, is this not progress?”
It was a similar story in the Champions League, as United bravely finished 3rd in the Group of Death. “The fans actually expected me to get this team out of a group containing CSKA, Eindhoven and Wolfsburg? With a squad that barely cost £390 million to assemble? Are they crazy?”
This was followed by a short run in the European Cup’s definitely-as-equally-as-reputable sister competition. “Then they force me to take the Europa League seriously,” he said in disbelief. “I mean seriously. How many more competitions does my team have to get knocked out of?”
The final Man United fan to actually support Van Gaal, made a strong case for the philosophy of Louis 3.0. “Well we finished in the top 25% of the league, or top quarter of all teams, which in a way is it’s own “top 4″, in that there’s four of them, if you follow me…” he argued, before trailing off and bursting into tears. “We’re going to fucking lose to Pardew, aren’t we?”