TODAY is another black day in the history of Manchester United to rival the Munich Air Disaster and Ryan Giggs’ personal life, as “Diet Ronaldo” leaves Manchester United for Turkey.
The iconic ‘number 17’ jersey, which had previously been worn by United greats like Liam Miller, Ricardo and Michael Stewart, is to be retired in honour of Nani’s “outstanding contribution” to the club. Daley Blind seemed unimpressed: “This is a f**king joke. I’ve never seen that JLS-wannabe take one corner that clears the first man.”
The winger’s departure means that no member of United’s short-lived answer to Liverpool’s SAS are currently at the club, as Welbeck, Anderson, Nani and Kagawa have all left Manchester United.
On his day, Nani could be beat anyone. Unfortunately for United, ‘Nani’s day’ came only once, in the 2011 Community Shield:
Nani is expected to be joined at Fenerbahçe by United teammate, Robin Van Persie. LVG seemed thrilled at the departures: “Not since the first thanksgiving have Turkey done so much for one group of people. Manchester United thanks you.”
A Champions League winner in 2008, Nani was devastated when his winner’s medal was downgraded to a Europa League medal after UEFA deemed that Anderson’s involvement “cheapened” United’s win in Moscow. The man himself was predictably humble about his time at Old Trafford: “I’ve loved every second of it. It was a dream for me to play here but also a dream for these fans to see me. What a treat I have been for them.” When asked what his legacy was at United he merely smiled and said “consistency’.
Many past United greats took time to pay homage to the man the Stretford End affectionately called Nani:
Roy Keane described Nani as his natural successor: “Nani was always a player to put his body on the line for his teammates, always tracked back and was the most humble man I’ve ever known. Like a young Paul McGrath.”
Sir Alex Ferguson eulogized him as “a leader of men” and “the greatest player I’ve ever worked with”.
Arguably United’s greatest ‘number 17’ (albeit for 10 games), Henrik Larsson, said Nani probably deserved the honour. “Did I do more in 10 games than Nani did in 150? Maybe. Personally, I think Colin McKee should have got it.” he said.
Raymond Van Der Gouw suffered a severe heart attack upon hearing the news, having worn the number 17 shirt for 6 years. His gravestone simply reads:
“I am the real 17. Fuck. Nani.”