WASHINGTON, DC—The Vice President of the United States of America is said to be in a “critical condition” in the White House Medical Unit tonight after becoming trapped in an elevator with an unknown woman for almost 20 minutes.
Doctors at the WHMU say Pence is “lucky to be alive”, claiming “another minute” in the 8×6 ft. death chamber would have surely ended the Indiana native’s life.
“To be exposed to a young female in such a concentrated dose would be enough for any man, let alone one with such an extreme sensitivity to estrogen,” Dr. Mann told the NY Post. “It’s best that he avoid contact with any woman for a few months, aside from his wife of course.”
A White House spokesman claimed the V.P. had become momentarily separated from his Secret Service detail, leading to him entering the elevator unescorted. It is believed that Vice President Pence was unaware a solitary female was already present at the time, and as we now know, tragically this woman was neither his wife, daughter or mother.
The mysterious woman, currently being interrogated by Secret Service, was believed to have been fully grown, possibly reaching as tall as 5 feet 7 inches, meaning the Vice President stood little chance of suppressing his natural instinct to accept the woman’s undoubted lust for him.
“The fact that he was able to hold out for nearly 20 minutes without grabbing her is a testament to the kind of man, husband and feminist Mike is,” President Trump later told reporters. “God knows I would have cracked inside 60 seconds.”
According to CCTV the woman did attempt to dash out of the elevator once the VP entered, as is standard White House protocol for all female staff, but she was too late. The video shows the Vice President remained calm initially, casually ordering the woman to stand in one corner of the elevator and stare at her feet, with him doing the same in the opposite end. However, disaster struck once the elevator jerked to an abrupt stop and technicians informed the pair it could be up to 30 minutes before they would be freed.
Pence immediately began gasping for air and desperately trying to loosen his tie as he slowly slid down onto the floor. “I tried to help him,” the young lady screamed as Secret Service dragged her away, but this only made the situation worse as video evidence shows the woman was not wearing a skirt that fully covered her knee, sending the VP into anaphylactic shock.
Luckily emergency services were able to blast open the doors of the elevator in time to save the Vice President’s life and in all likelihood save the young lady from the electric chair.
Pence is expected to make a full recovery physically, however doctors warn the entire incident could result in some long-term psychological issues for the V.P. surrounding women.