Outgoing FIFA president Sepp Blatter, in a desperate attempt to win back his and FIFA’s critics, has announced radical changes to women’s football and the current Women’s World Cup in Canada.
“For years the women have been nagging me. ‘Why won’t you take our game seriously? Why won’t you invest money into grassroots women’s football? Why won’t you ever get out of our changing rooms?’ They are relentless.” He continued: “Now I say to women: ‘No more nagging, more bikinis! I will fix your game and keep you cooler for the summer World Cup in Qatar.” – Sepp Blatter.
Blatter announced, from his suite at the Cambie Hostel in Vancouver, that his last act as president was needed: “In order to make an omelette you have to strip down a few eggs and observe them. Who cares what happens to their insides. At the end of the day, they must satisfy those who consume them.”
Among several new changes to women’s football, on Blatter’s new “FIFA Girls” initiative, will be the mandatory inclusion of bikinis instead of jerseys for women’s football. Women referees and assistant referees, within the men’s game, will also be required to wear bikinis in all football games including the Premier League, effective immediately. In unrelated news Sky Sports have confirmed that Richard Keys and Andy Gray are to return to the broadcaster for the new season.
Internet darling, Emma Watson, was highly critical of the changes saying Blatter is exploiting women and continuing to make a mockery of women’s football. Blatter denied the allegation: “No no no. This is my legacy. While we will merely encourage women to wear thongs with kind words and endorsements, it will be the women’s choice. Women are no longer second class citizens in FIFA’s eyes. This isn’t 2014.”
FIFA also confirmed that “the Women” will be handed the “prestigious” Qatar Summer World Cup in 2022 to follow the men’s Winter World Cup: “We’re unsure if we will be able to have air conditioned stadiums ready in time for the 2022 Women’s World Cup, but definitely for the winter games, 6 months before that.” said Martyn’s spokesman Damien Martyn. Blatter dismissed safety concerns as quickly as he dismissed Ireland’s request to be the 33rd team at the World Cup (video). “Just because the men can’t play there, doesn’t mean the women can’t play there. That’s sexist. Women are just as tough as men. Just look at Hope Solo.” he drolled.
The Swiss dictator was also forced to deny allegations that his sudden (first) appearance at a Women’s World Cup, to a city with many well known winter ski-resorts, was a coincidence: “Well clearly as this is summer time in Canada it is much too warm to ski, so I am not here for that.” he cackled. “I will airlift in very little snow to the mountains and may ski as little as once or twice a day. Vladimir Putin said their snow can be flown in for less than half the price of the North Korean’s. It is important to protect FIFA’s good name.”