AFTER being heavily criticized this week for attending a sex-segregated mosque, Justin Trudeau has unveiled a bold new plan to underline his commitment to a “radically more progressive” attitude towards gender equality.
First it was ‘O Canada’, then identity cards, and now the Prime Minister hopes to become the world’s first “gender-neutral head of state”, having received the full support of his wife and family.
In the face of mounting skepticism of his feminist values, the 44-year-old spoke passionately to the House of Commons for over 2 hours, pledging to do “whatever possible” to promote women’s issues, beyond providing funding.
“How can I possibly understand the unique plight and struggles of women, as a mere man. The only way I can be a truly unbiased leader, is if I have no gender at all,” Trudeau said, puzzling many inside parliament. “It’s time for me to put my money where my mouth is, or rather, where my penis will no longer be.”
He continued, explaining how after a series of surgeries are complete, the media, supporters and politicians alike will be legally prohibited from categorizing the newly genderless PM, as either a male or female. Many Conservative Party voters have embraced the change by not considering Justin to be man for the past 4 years.
Presently, the Prime Minister feels a timetable is difficult to commit to but remains “hopeful” that he will “no longer have male reproductive organs” in time for the 2019 election.
“After some recent events, it has come to my attention that I am not adhering to my own feminist values strictly enough,” he admitted, during the Vancouver Pride Parade. “And I’ve realized that my overt masculinity is a serious barrier. Men are largely responsible for everything that’s wrong with the world, and if you’re not part of the solution…”
MPs on both sides of the aisle looked stunned as Trudeau outlined, in explicit detail, the steps required to complete the transformation. “The process will involve removing both my testicles first, once they have been located. Then my penis will be laser removed, ensuring that it does not grow back.”
Nearing the end of his speech, the 44-year-old spoke of his “optimism” that he can be the “perfect role model” for the millions of young Canadians who idolize him:
“I hope that by signalling my commitment to becoming totally gender neutral, I can inspire thousands of young children across Canada to sever off their own genitalia in solidarity.”
As well as removing all doubt over his commitment to feminism, Trudeau spoke of the many other “obvious benefits” to the surgery. “If my understanding of Canadian law is correct, once the surgery is complete I should ok to punch, kick or elbow any woman I want, right?”