WASHINGTON, DC—A controversial new study by Dr. Harold Bornstein has linked the drug hydroxychloroquine to an increase in male genital size on the same day that President Trump announced he was tripling his dosage of the drug.
Trump’s decision came within minutes of Dr. Bornstein officially announcing his findings on Fox News that hydroxychloroquine can lead to an increase in penis size, hair growth and even darker skin.
He also claims that the drug can be particularly effective on reversing the effects of an extremely rare condition known as “mushroom penis” which affects approximately 1 out of every 330 million Americans.
“After consulting with my long-term personal physician and Alex Jones for several hours, as well as discussing it with the CDC for several seconds, I have decided to triple my dosage of hydroxychloroquine,” read the President’s official tweet.
President Trump has been taking hydroxychloroquine for over 12 weeks now in an effort to ward off Covid-19, despite the entire medical community insisting the drug is incredibly deadly and totally useless against the coronavirus.
In response, Dr. Bornstein admitted that most Americans taking this much of hydroxychloroquine would definitely result in death but for someone in such “astonishingly excellent” health as President Trump should be fine.
“For the healthiest President in American history it should be as simple as popping a few dozen Ritalins or Adderalls every few hours,” the doctor said. “Nothing for a man like him.”
Critics argue that the potentially groundbreaking new research is actually “complete bullshit” and that Dr. Harold Bornstein is in fact just an idiot.
“Well I’m chief medical advisor to the President of the United States and he’s not exactly going to hire an idiot now is he?”