WASHINGTON, DC—Carefully weighing the merits and flaws of Milo Yiannopoulos, Donald Trump admits he’s “torn” over whether to send the alt-journalist back to Britain or offer him a position on his staff.
Yiannopoulos was thrust into the media spotlight when he resigned from Breitbart and lost a book deal, after a video of him appearing to endorse pedophilia surfaced.
Late last night, the man who he affectionately refers to as “Daddy”, admitted on Twitter that he couldn’t get his usual 3 hours of sleep because of the internal turmoil over the news:
“My head says he’s an unemployed immigrant, deport him. But my heart says he’s a racist misogynist, hire him. What’s a President to do?” he tweeted, alongside a selfie of himself lying on his bed.
Taking over from Sean Spicer’s daily briefing, Trump again reiterated to the media that he was still deliberating over what to do with the rightwing commentator.
“On the one hand he’s a jobless immigrant on a visa, so obviously my natural instinct is to deport him,” a clearly divided Trump said. “But on the other hand, he’s got such fantastic views on muslims, women and most importantly, me.”
“He’s a former editor at Breitbart which is literally half of my requirements for an employee. And the liberal media absolutely hates him. I mean he ticks so many boxes.”
“He even strangely agrees with Pence about the gays,” Trump noted, “and some of Mike’s views are pretty extreme let me tell you.”
“So all-in-all he’s the complete package,” the President surmised, before adding the caveat:
“But at the end of the day he’s still an unemployed immigrant, so it’s a very difficult decision.”
“And then there’s this funny business with the kids,” he added.
The 45th U.S. President reluctantly acknowledged the child abuse controversy surrounding Yiannopoulos could “complicates things”.
“Yeah he’s said some things about grabbing kids I guess, which is a real shame. I might have to break Kellyanne out of freezer for that one.”
“You know paedophilia is one of the few issues that I actually haven’t advocated for,” Trump then said modestly. “But do you think the media gives me any credit? No! Even though I’ve repeatedly explained to them the difference between that and incest.”