CHICAGO, IL—Insisting that recent events are “completely unrelated” to this decision, United Airlines have unveiled Kellyanne Conway as their new director of media relations.
The 50-year-old joins the U.S. airline as one of it’s highest paid employees with United Airline purchasing Conway’s highly recommended “nuclear package” having seen her deliver “miracles” in the media for a previous client.
Conway will be initially tasked with dealing with the general day-to-day of UA media relations, before addressing any outstanding issues currently in the company’s inbox.
Placed in charge of all United Airlines media appearances from now on, Conway unveiled herself as the company’s new chief media strategist:
“United Airlines is delighted to appoint Kellyanne Conway as the company’s new media relations director and chief media strategist,” Conway announced. “On behalf of United, I’d like to warmly welcome Kellyanne to the company. On behalf of myself, I’d like to thank myself for my kind welcome.”
She spoke fondly of her new company, commenting that she’s had such a “wonderful time” so far, she hasn’t even had time to get to United’s 7.8 million tweets and 6.8 million FB messages received since yesterday morning.
Conway spent the remaining 58 minutes of her unveiling, presenting an array of alternative facts about air travel that she had learned while researching the industry on the flight in from Washington.
“Of all the passengers that United’s friendly security has encouraged to volunteer, less than 10% leave on a stretcher,” she began, providing a variety of alternative definitions for the word “volunteer”.
The White House advisor next detailed how a study at the University of Bowling Green had statistically proven the unreliability of smartphone cameras at recording high-pressured incidents, especially when filmed by numerous people from multiple angles.
“As for the small incident on United Airlines flight 3411, this is typical media representing only mainstream truths and not showing the other side,” she added.
“I mean with this alleged victim, there’s no way of telling who punched this guy, maybe he punched himself in the face?” she continued. “Also there’s no way of knowing if this man always bleeds from his mouth when flying. And I mean is he a muslim? Has anyone even checked into that? If he is this becomes a very different story.”
“There, that should be enough for now,” Conway muttered as she returned to her new office. “That’ll hold them ’til I figure out how to tie Sweden into all of this.”
Pouring herself a large glass of wine, she kneeled back on her couch, glanced at the 1,439,615 unread emails on her phone, cracked her fingers, and began typing. “There’s no such thing as bad publicity,” she sighed, as the Vegas odds of United Airlines becoming the next President of the United States shortened to 7-to-1.