WASHINGTON, DC—Surrounded by the most significant players in his rise to the American presidency, Donald Trump today signed an executive order calling for the immediate construction of a “great bridge” between the United States and Russia.
Just days after formally announcing plans to build a border wall with Mexico, Trump unveiled details of the historic US-Russian bridge along the Bering Strait Crossing.
“It’s going to be a great bridge, a high bridge, a long bridge, that will finally unlock all the riches of Eastern Siberia,” he announced, while signing the order.
Construction of the bridge is already significantly ahead of schedule with President Trump predictably refusing to take all the credit:
“The Russians have been terrific so far, really terrific. Vlad tells me they have already started and it will be completed by the end of the week, which is just amazing. Now why can’t the Mexicans have that kind of work ethic, huh?”
In a further effort to berate Mexico, Trump emphasized how Russia would “definitely” be paying for the bridge, and as a special deal to him would even include a tunnel, free of charge.
“Vlad has reassured me that he will pay for the bridge and tunnel as soon as they have money,” Trump said, hinting that Putin was close to completing a “rather lucrative oil deal” in the very near future.
As for potential benefits to the U.S., Trump cited trade as just one of the “many obvious opportunities”, but highlighted security as the primary reason behind the decision.
“You know the world is such a scary place right now, with all of these crazy, crazy people in charge of certain countries. It’s at times like these that we need to keep our friends close, with our enemies so much closer,” Trump cautioned, pointing downwards.
Tourism too will earn a significant boost, he predicted, with people now “finally having a reason to visit Alaska”.
The U.S. President claims he’s unsure who first came up with the idea, during his surprise meeting with Putin yesterday in DC:
“You know one minute Vlad and I are talking about how really amazing a President I am, and how I’m definitely the smartest and most popular President in the entire history of the world. And the next thing we’re building a bridge to celebrate. It was an amazing moment, it truly was.”
Trump is expected to ratify plans to build a giant moat with Canada sometime next month.