WASHINGTON, DC—The United States government believes it has made a major breakthrough in the ongoing Coronavirus crisis by identifying what it believes to be the cause of the outbreak.
“Hillary Clinton is patient zero of the Coronavirus,” President Trump announced in a press conference Friday night flanked by Mike Pence and senior members of the Trump administration. “She started all of this chaos just to derail my re-election campaign.”
Clinton, who has yet to display any symptoms of the coronavirus, was identified by Trump’s administration who believes his 2016 presidential rival is the cause of the worldwide virus that has killed thousands so far.
“You can tell she started all this. Just look at her. She looks infected doesn’t she?” Trump declared. “You see? This is why I wanted her locked up. She’s a health risk to not just this country but the entire world.”
A special White House task force, fronted by Vice President Pence made the discovery after analysing DNA samples of both the Coronavirus and Ms. Clinton and finding what they claim is a “99% DNA match” between the two.
“The evidence is undeniable,” Pence told the assembled media. “Ms. Clinton and the Coronavirus are one in the same. Clinton will now be placed in quarantine until 2021 along with any Democratic canditates she has been in contact with, Pence added.
When asked by a reporter how they could be so sure Clinton started the Coronavirus, Trump interrupted. “Listen, no one knows more about the Coronavirus than me… except possibly Hillary or ‘Killary’ as I will now be calling her.”
Furthermore in a move that is sure to please makers of Corona beer, Trump proposed renaming the deadly virus after Hillary in future. “The Clintonvirus has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” he grinned.
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