FIFA on the brink of seeking rent allowance.

FIFA on the brink of seeking rent allowance.

by Daz

Due to the ongoing inspection by the FBI and the Criminal investigation division of the IRS into the world’s football governing body, FIFA’s annual income is expected to be solely comprised of legitimate earnings this year. As such, it is unlikely to make as much profit as previous years and they have today revealed that drastic cost saving measures will soon be enforced at their Zurich headquarters. Specifically, certain changes to the lavish furnishings will be brought in to avoid the potential necessity of applying for rent allowance.

FIFA PR executive, Gerard Le Guen, told us: “Due to the minor investigations currently being undertaken, our projected income for the coming months will fall short of previous financial years. With this in mind, we have committed to making certain cuts accordingly.”

Of course, the “minor” investigations that Mr. Le Guen is referring to include wire fraud, racketeering and money laundering. We pushed for some additional details into FIFA’s current financial status and also some specifics regarding the cuts themselves.

“For security reasons, we cannot specify the exact type of payments we won’t be receiving any more but they are significant and sufficient to solely account for our shortfall. As a result, one of the first things to go will be the piped music in each room. Currently set to play “Master of Puppets” each time President Blatter enters a room, we can no longer justify it in a financial sense.
When Sepp was elected the president of everybody he knew certain changes would need to happen and he’s not known as a man afraid of change.”

Although we do agree that Sepp’s well known for not being afraid of change, we go on to mention that he  probably prefers notes. We follow this up by explaining that Sepp wasn’t actually elected the “President of everybody.” That was simply just a wild statement he made back in May – (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c327nJOrJF4). This lead to confirmation that all of Mr Blatter’s personalised stationery would now need to be returned due to having that title at the top.

The next question we put to Mr Le Guen is what long term cost-saving goals do FIFA have in mind?

“I think that, historically, we’ve shown tremendous generosity to all FIFA member nations and it shouldn’t be counted out that they have a collection for us. A bit of a whip around at government level to help. Nothing untoward or in brown envelopes obviously but all above board and in non sequential bills if possible. I don’t see why most member nations wouldn’t be able to accommodate this. Well, except for Greece maybe.
We’ve also looked into the possibility of no longer having a physical World Cup trophy. It’s quite expensive and for what? To be paraded around once every 4 years? That’s just not financially viable. No, we’re thinking of having a holographic trophy at the next tournament. That would be far more cost effective. The only negative feedback we received regarding this proposal related to how would the winning team celebrate? It’s almost a tradition that, after it’s presented, all the team members kiss the trophy. Without an actual trophy, what do they kiss? Not each other, that’s for sure. The tournament’s in Russia after all.”

Our final question is to ask if the FAI chief executive, John Delaney, is likely to be contacted with a view to returning the payment he received following the Thierry Henry handball incident in 2009.

“If we never have to deal with monsieur Delaney ever again, it will be magnifique.”